As an uninsured, underemployed, twenty-something, deadbeat, I don't get over to "the doctor" too often. Or "the dentist" or generally "take care of myself", because I'm poor and invincible. I do, however, drink too much on a regular basis and while away my hangovers sifting through the countless newsletters and company updates I've mindlessly subscribed to over the years. Most of this drivel gets deleted in its unopened state, but Groupon (which I use as shorthand for all things deal-y and internet based—I can hear the marketing guys over at Groupon creaming their pants as I type) has been identified by my gmail as "priority mail" because I CAN'T NOT LOOK AT IT.
Every day I groggily open my Groupon e-mails in search of some potentially life quaking mega deal like $5 feather hair extensions or $20 permanent eyeliner tattoos. But, typically it's just a bunch of deals for cheap fitness classes and dentist visits. Snooze fest. After months of daily exposure to such seemingly useless offers as $40 physicals I found myself saying things aloud like, "I wonder if that includes blood work?" Or, "Wow, that's what my co-pay used to be, back when I had such things." Or, more often, "Do you think they'd prescribe me Valium?" (They won't).
Long story longer, eventually Groupon's constant bombardment of ho-hummy grown-up dealery seeped into my brain, mutated some cells and that's how I found myself back in a dentist's chair last week after 6 years. (Side note: He was cute and flirty and for that first time in the history of my patient-dentist relations, that wasn't pervy. Yeah, it had been awhile). That's also how I found myself waking up at 7am on a semi-regular basis to go to Pilates classes and regularly attending something called Ballerina Fight Club. I have a standing appointment at a laser hair removal spa every 5 weeks and I'm just not sure when I'll ever be able to fit in that speed reading class I bought.
This is my life now. These are the things I do with my "down time". I recently bought a vacuum and use it on an almost daily basis. I periodically take up jogging for 20 minutes at a time and 'bedroom' finally seems an appropriate moniker for what used to resemble an opium den cum thrift store. I quit my dead-end restaurant job in favor of work with a future and I've been watering my plants. As needed. And they're flourishing.
Honestly, it would be just a little hyperbolic to give Groupon all the credit for my sudden, surface-deep, Bridget Jonse-ian stumble into adulthood. I mean, I have been an avid public radio listener for as long as that's been cool for someone my age and as an only child I've possessed a snarky air of superiority to my peers since birth. Feeling too old for my bummy lifestyle is second nature. I just needed Groupon to remind me that I'm a mess. Every day. For a year. And now my day planner makes me look like a real life grown up.
Thanks, Groupon!
PS. Sorry to the South Loop Hilton for vomiting in their bathroom last Friday night.
I received no compensation from Groupon for writing this post.
Posts
